When I Am Elected King…

4 Sep

Throwing chewing gum on the ground will be a federal offense.

Gambling will be legalized in every state.

John Wayne’s birthday will be a holiday, and everyone will be required to watch one of his movies.

People will be required to read at least one book per year.

Time will not fall back or spring ahead. It will stay the same throughout the year.

It's good to be the king.

It’s good to be the king.

Everyone will have the opportunity to see the Grand Canyon.

Country music singers will be required to stand behind a microphone to sing. Willie Nelson never jumped around, and they don’t have to, either.

AC/DC will play at my coronation.

American history will be a required area of study at all levels of education.

My motorcade will consist entirely of Camaros.

Smokey and the Bandit will be shown in theaters throughout the land.

Nick Saban will be banned from coaching college football.

The word “coupon” will be stricken from the English language.

When you slide your credit card into the gas pump, it will not ask you any other questions.

Hot Tamales will be the official candy of the nation.

I will let everyone know what has been going on at Area 51.

After all of that, I will get to work.

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24 Responses to “When I Am Elected King…”

  1. Carl D'Agostino September 4, 2013 at 02:50 #

    I think you should add making coreck spelling and gooder grammar part of yur platform.

    • Rick September 4, 2013 at 03:19 #

      That is an excellent suggestion. You will be named Secretary of the Language Arts.

      • Carl D'Agostino September 5, 2013 at 15:53 #

        I will eliminate “ya know?” from the language even if we have to put something in the water. Sometimes the government has to protect people from themselves(within the framework of the Constitution and the intent of the Founding Fathers of course) ya know ?

      • Rick September 5, 2013 at 21:07 #

        Actually, I know. Know what I’m sayin?

  2. chandlerswainreviews September 4, 2013 at 03:14 #

    I approve! This is decisive leadership in action. When I was a child I had a plan to become the first Protestant Pope, if only to alter the holy garb to include a fedora. However, upon consideration that the Vatican might frown on my planned “Raquel Welch Weekends”, lately I have been more absorbed in plans to become a tropical island despot (subterranean volcano lair a must, giant ape optional) as I believe it is entirely possible to play dictator with benevolence, as long as everyone does what I say. My only disagreement with your manifesto is that the preferred candy of choice on my island would be Skittles. I hope this won’t mean war (though my minions would be instantly disposable so what the hell).

    • Rick September 4, 2013 at 03:49 #

      Raquel Welch Weekends may be the greatest idea of all time. For that reason, there will be no War of the Colorful Candies. Remember, if you have an underwater lair, then you need a giant fish tank behind your desk.

    • Carl D'Agostino September 5, 2013 at 15:54 #

      Sophia Loren over Raquel and Marilyn hands down. Or is that hands up ?

      • Rick September 5, 2013 at 21:07 #

        I’ll watch whichever one you guys don’t want to watch.

  3. frontrangescribbles September 4, 2013 at 03:24 #

    I like your thinking!!

    • Rick September 4, 2013 at 03:42 #

      Thanks. I’m looking for donations to my campaign.

  4. John September 4, 2013 at 12:30 #

    I could live, for the most part, in the Kingdom of Rick.

    • Rick September 4, 2013 at 12:47 #

      I like the sound of that.

  5. satanicpanic September 4, 2013 at 14:02 #

    Which AC/DC song? For Those About to Rock would be the obvious choice, but I’d be tempted to go with Big Balls.

    • Rick September 4, 2013 at 14:36 #

      Great choice. I like them all but am going to go with Let There Be Rock.

  6. myfearlessmiss September 5, 2013 at 10:57 #

    Brilliant! This reminds me of something a friend said. If he was king the first thing he said he’d do is make public toilets nicer. Okay, then.

    • Rick September 5, 2013 at 12:51 #

      Thank you. The Public Toilet Declaration is a great idea. It should also declare that all stalls have doors.

  7. Manu Kurup September 6, 2013 at 04:02 #

    If the area 51 and the John Wayne things is gonna happen, I am all for you as King, His Highness Rick 🙂

    • Rick September 6, 2013 at 12:17 #

      It will happen. No empty campaign promises.

  8. Teepee12 September 9, 2013 at 02:06 #

    Absolutely. GREAT idea. Except more books, please.

    • Rick September 9, 2013 at 02:07 #

      I wanted to start out easy on the non-readers. Let them ease into it before I add more.

  9. jcalberta September 18, 2013 at 17:38 #

    I posted a comment here … but it vanished into the great cyber void … ethers …
    I wore suspenders when I wuz a kid. We called ’em ‘braces’. If i needed a belt too, I always made sure Fonda wasn’t around.
    I also threw all my harmonicas away.

    • Rick September 18, 2013 at 18:13 #

      I wonder where all the lost words go. I like suspenders, but that scene with the pants guy always makes me laugh. Here’s a question: which of Corleone’s movie ending shoot outs is the best?

      • jcalberta September 18, 2013 at 18:16 #

        OH .. i just posted on the WRONG POST!! … that’s all (cough) (sliding under my desk) But Hey, I got the right Blog anyway..

      • Rick September 18, 2013 at 18:42 #

        No reason to slide under the desk.

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