Red Eye

27 Mar

As I drove the big white van back from New Orleans, my eyes started to get a little fuzzy. Not being accustomed to driving a big white van, the fuzziness of my eyesight was beginning to worry me. However, we made it back safely, and I headed to the house quickly to remove my contacts. That’s when I saw that the right eye was totally bloodshot and, for lack of a better term, freaky looking. A blue eye surrounded by red blood brought a couple of things to mind.

1. The bloodshot eye could have come from my good friend Jack Daniels. However, I met him around midday Saturday and had not seen him since. Also, only one eye was affected, and I don’t remember having half of a drink.

2. I was turning into the Terminator or one of those red-eyed guys on Battlestar Gallactica. Having never watched that show, I started practicing my lines – “I’ll be back.”

3. I was turning into an old-time bottle of cheap whiskey. You’ve seen those movies where the cowboy walks up to the bar and says, “Barkeep, give me a shot of red-eye.” The fists start flying not long after.

4. Of course, I could have been entering a weird version of Star Trek where an alien race has one good eye and one bad one. It would be like the episode where the black/white guy fights the white/black guy.

5. In reality, I knew that I had been outside all weekend and something got between my contact and my eye. Whatever it was, I had to get it out.

Unfortunately, taking out the contacts didn’t help, and I spent the night having strange dreams where the Terminator and a cowboy shoot a bottle of Jack Daniels off the head of a white/black guy. When I woke up, the eye was still messed up, and I couldn’t see a thing. Driving into the rising sun to get to school was a real disaster.

It was then that I decided to go to the eye doctor to get some drops. Instead, I got the news that I had an ulcerated cornea. If you have never had one of those, then you haven’t lived a complete existence. Anyway, I have to wear my glasses for a week, which I hate, and used these steroid eye drops, which I hate more.

I am not a big putting-stuff-in-my-eyes fan. After wearing contacts for years, I still have issues with them. And, I have avoided at all costs the need to drop liquid in there. It’s a feat that I have never been able to accomplish, and, now, I have to do it.

The first time I tried it the normal way. I leaned my head back and put the bottle over my eye. The drop came out and hit me in the face. There’s one wasted drop. Then, I did it the goofy way and laid on the bed. This time it worked. So, here I am – a college professor who has to lie down in order to put drops in my eye. And, I have to do it THREE TIMES A DAY! And, I have to do it for a WEEK! Misery reigns.

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2 Responses to “Red Eye”

  1. sj April 1, 2012 at 15:14 #

    I’m terrible with the drops too. The best way I’ve found to do it (for me) is to pull out your lower eyelid a little and put the drops in the eye-pocket that’s created, then close your eyes really fast. That way you don’t have to wait for the drops to hit your eyeball because they DON’T!

    • surroundedbyimbeciles April 1, 2012 at 17:28 #

      I think we have to face the fact that there is no good way. It’s like waterboarding.

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